(Struggling with) Finding myself again and being a good mum and partner

Hello I thought I would give you a quick 'about me', I am a stay at home mum and I have three under three - Winston, Evelyn and Floyd. I have been struggling with writing this post for a year now, it was a combination of I didn't know how to put my feelings into words and I was afraid I would get judged.. After a year and writing this multiple times I have found some sort of confident, and I kind of want to get it off my chest. Before I begin I am not writing this post because I want sympathy, I don’t want that at all, all i want is to share with you my emotional roller coaster that I have been on for almost a year and wanting to know if other mums feel the same. Recently my emotions have really hit me hard, before it got emotionally hard I used to tell myself “tomorrow will be a better day” and it has really helped me get through the bad days. But recently, ‘tomorrow’ hasn’t been a better day, the bad day continued the next day. I don’t have any ‘real life’ mummy friends to talk to about these things. Sometimes I think to myself maybe it’s my fault for not being social, I admit I am very closed in person and I don’t allow people in and it sucks, I wish I was more care-free and not socially awkward. I miscarried when I was eighteen years old at twelve weeks, it happen really quick - I went from freaking out about being a young mum, to accepting that I am going to be a young mum and I was excited, to ending up in hospital and being told I am not going to be a mum anymore. That is another story I might tell one day. I still think about that day/night almost everyday, it still upsets me and I haven’t let go and that’s because I don’t know how to. But ever since then I haven't been the same, since then I felt like I was on a never ending emotional rollercoaster. I had my son when I was twenty years old and most of my friends were nineteen turning twenty and were in their prime, going to festivals, travelling and clubbing - and there I am in bed watching Family Guy from season 1-4 and all the seasons of The O.C, while eating a bag of honey soy chips and pregnant. When I had Winston, my whole life became his life but I was okay with that, I was finally happy. I fell pregnant with Evelyn five months later, I was happy but at the same time I wasn’t, only because I felt like I just had Winston and I still saw him as a baby. After having Evelyn, I started to be happier, loving life and didn’t have a care in the world, until I fell pregnant again. I don’t know what it is.. maybe having three babies within three years is emotionally and physically draining and it has finally caught up with me? I love my kids, I wouldn’t want it any other way, I love being a mum, I love my life but lately I am struggling with who I am as a person, Jarm. For three years I have been mum and only mum, I have lost who I am as Jarm, I am not the same person as I was three years ago. Three years ago I was more outgoing, I had more of I don’t give a crap attitude, but now I am quiet, I am socially awkward and I care, I care a lot. Not only am I struggling with finding who I am, I am also struggling with my relationship with my partner - We aren’t losing love for one another and we aren’t arguing. The last few months I have treated him more as a best friend than a partner - it started off me being heavily pregnant and the last thing I wanted was to be cuddled and kissed, because I felt so uncomfortable, hot and bothered and huuuuuge. He started to feel upset because I kept turning him down, I just thought he was being dramatic. It then went from not wanting to be kissed and cuddled, to now not wanting to be 'affectionate' and I didn’t notice until he mentioned something that made me realised I have been treating him more as a best friend than a partner. In that moment I didn’t think of why, after a few days of really thinking of why, I then realised because I was too busy trying to be a good mother, struggling with finding my identity and where I fit as a person not just as mum, I forgot to be a partner. I guess I was in mum mode and I didn’t know how to find the balance of being a partner and a mum. I have written this post two months ago and it wasn’t until recently I have accepted that I am happy with just being mum, I have chose this path and I love the path I am on and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I will be Jarm one day, but for now I am mum. Right now I am focusing on being a mother, partner and being healthy.